Being vulnerable

Do you ever miss the safety of someone? The person you can say anything and not feel silly or stupid or dumb.  Up can just be completely vulnerable with them? You can cry as much and as long as you want. You can laugh at nothing and not feel stupid. Do you have someone like that. Have you had tht person in your life?

I'm extremely missing this person from my life. My best friend. They just get you. When you walk into a room and they just know and all you have to do is give them "the look". I miss that. Why it is that we usually want it so badly when we can't have it.

What do you do to cope with it. I need some ideas. I'm stuck. I feel so empty and so lonely. What do I do. I can only do so much.

Love is love

Have you ever heard the saying "I'm not a slut I just love love". I'd say I really love being loved but I'm not a slut. I love being known. I love being wanted and I love when people love me. Who doesn't right?

Have you ever wanted something so badly that it hurts to see other people with that. Whatever that is we get jealous and bitter and angry or hurt. This is what is happening to me with love. 

When I see love I get jealous I get bitter and I get really upset. Because I want it. The worst part is when you don't get it but you give it. Love is crazy and love is strong but love is hard and love is fun. 

Expect and never get...

Do you have those certain people in your life that give you a lot. And after a while you get use to what you receive and then after a little bit it goes away and you are let down. Those people that are suppose to love you all the time no matter what because that's just who they are in your life. Those people who you usually don't need to tell them what you need, they just know. Those people that should be able to give you what you need and what you want.

What about those people that love you and love you and love you and then stop. What do you do? You're attached and you can't leave but stay almost here just as much because they have almost just stopped loving you and pretty much just forgotten about you.

What do you do? It hurts both ways. They aren't giving you what you want or need anymore so do you leave and find someone who will or do you keep your promise "through sickness and health"

Life's not all butterfly's and flowers and when it's not I hope you have that one or few people to lean on.

"Those days"

Do you ever have "those days". And you aren't allowed to have "those days" because you have "that job". Those days where it hurts to get up, everything you do takes the energy out of you, and its hard to fill in empty time. That job that you have to be happy all the time. You have to make an impression to everyone and you feel like anything you do you fail at it.

These days suck. No one understand that you can't do anything about it you just kind of have to let it happen. You have to just slap on that fake smile, that lame laugh and go with the flow.

What if you are leading a group of kids? You can't be down, you have to have energy, you have to fill their time with something. You are their day, they rely on.

So what do you do? If you keep faking it, it will get worse. Some days you just can't do it. Today was one of those days, but I couldn't show it and now on my off time all I do is criticize myself and get more and more depressed but still can't do anything about it. Isn't your time off suppose to be rejuvenating and relaxing. So what do I do? No one will understand it, no one gets it.

I just have to keep going.

For someone else...

 Have you ever heard the question are people were created good people and socialized to be bad or are we created bad and just taught what good and bad is. This is a good question, but I think what I have come up with is that we are created to as good people but in our world, we have realized that we have to be selfish to survive and therefore we will do anything to put ourselves first.

The last two weeks I have found this to be very true. People suck. However, people only suck when they are selfish. If it doesn’t affect them directly it doesn’t mean anything.

Have you ever try to do a nice gesture for someone and they just bush it off or not even notice it. Have you ever gone way out of your way to simply show people that you love that you care about them? They don’t get it. They don’t see how much you put into it or how excited you were for it and got nothing. People are selfish. 

 

Yes I am selfish as well. I don’t get excited at things I probably should. Or I’m not as thankful as I should be. I suck. I get mad at things I shouldn’t. I bush little things off. I say no when I should say yes to letting people do things for me. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I do try and I try very hard. 

They say it’s the little things that matter, and it almost seems like these little things are over looked now-a-days. Why don’t people do the little things anymore? They still matter. 

What are you going to do for someone you love today? Wash the dishes, buy some flowers, call them at work just to tell them you love them, clean the house, have a coffee and chat, watch the baseball game on even though you rather not, take a walk, send a gift, surprise them with more than they expected, etc. 

Do something for someone else. It will make you and them feel better.

That bug that always bugs you.

Do you have things in your life that bug you to no end. You think you have killed it and over come it but something or someone brings it back up. This bug for me is feeling worthless and unwanted.

Have you ever felt that way over and over? Even if people tell you over and over that they care about you and love you but something pulls you apart like time or distance or both. Over time without being told that they care about you, you almost start to forget and then that bug comes back and just eats at your heart.

What is your bug? Your self image, your looks, your shopping sprees, depression, jealousy, school and grades, relationships, failing, caring too much, ect... all these things we continue to struggle with and we go through seasons of them coming easy and other times are extremely hard. But I hope and I wish you have people around you that will help you and support you during these struggles. You have to remember that people can't read minds, so keep up with your communication.

Make this bug of your smaller than you think it is. Reassure yourself and love on the people around you. It will rub off and they will love you back. Don't think of yourself so harshly.

The Waiting Game

Have you ever played the waiting game? Where all you are doing is waiting around for everything. You wait for your spouse or your parents or your siblings to come home, you wait for dinner to be made, you wait for your friends to respond so you can hang out, you wait for the next vacation, you wait for the next job, you are waiting for everything. Time seems like it is not on your side at all, you feel more and more lonely the more you wait. You start to sleep in longer because you rather sleep then wait. That is where I am at right now.

I got out of school a little over two weeks now, and my summer job doesn't start for another two weeks.
I am in the waiting period. I don't have many real friends and the friends I do have here, most of them aren't real friends, so I wait for their responses for them to tell me that they have no time for me.
I wait for my parents and brother to get home so I'm not alone anymore.
I wait to see if my mom is going to cook dinner and by 8pm I'm staving I figure out that she is not making dinner but by that time I'm to tired to cook so I just don't eat.
I wait for my dad to tell me that he doesn't have that much work for me, so I go to work with him and just bored waiting to go home.
I wait to get a phone call from my best friend but end up not getting anything because she has a life and works and is too busy for me.
I wait to go swimming but I find that no one likes to go swimming if they have a pool.
I wait for my mom to come home so I can have the car so I can have some freedom.
I wait for text messages that never come back with a response.
I am waiting to get to my summer job, because I know I will have people around me and a purpose to my life.

But this waiting period sucks. This month seems like its not worth it. It seems like I have no purpose in life. I feel like a waste but I know I am not, I just have to wait.

But why do we have to wait? What are you waiting for? Why can't we find something we like and put it into a hobby and let time fly by instead of crawling by.  I have no hobbies right now. I'm bored and I'm uninterested in everything. It's a game, and I'm losing because I am waiting and I am not having fun.
 
Waiting sucks.